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CastEdit

Guest CastEdit

ScriptEdit

[The "Home Improvement" Season 1 intro plays.]
After the opening credits, Mark is sitting on a lawn tractor. Tim is improving it.
 
Tim: Alright son, this is an ordinary lawn tractor. We have to Tim Taylor-ize it. [Tim is lifting off the engine and puts it on the workbench] So first, we've gotta remove this puny 12 and a half horse, blade-o-matic motor cuz we want to cut lawn maintenance time way down. So what d'we need?
Mark: More power!
Tim: You learned well, my little one. [Tim wheels the new engine over] We're gonna replace it with this. Because this is more power! [Tim reveals the engine - it has two huge cylinders on top, and is covered with chrome]
Mark: Wow!
Tim: Darn right, wow. This is a twin-cylinder, 1600 cc motorcycle engine. Normally operates at 58 horsepower, your dad has ported and polished it, blue-printed and cranked it, balanced it all the way through. Huh? It's got a reverse gear, who needs it, four forward gears, and a suicide clutch! On a clear day, the E.T. on this bad boy should be under 15 seconds a quarter-mile. We can do zero-to-sixty in under 5.5 seconds!
Mark: Are we gonna race it?
Tim: You bet. As soon as we've installed this bad boy, we're gonna enter the Indianapolis 500! By the time the rest of the pack catches us, we'll have won the race, and mowed the in-field! [Mark gets down from the mower and gets a towel]
Mark: D'you want me to get you a towel, Dad? [Tim starts unbolting the old engine-fixings]
Tim: Why would I want a towel?
Mark: To wipe the grease off your hands.
Tim: Grease is our friend. When you work on heavy-duty machinery, you expect some grease on your hands. As a matter of fact, you like grease all over, kind of like, er, war paint. [Tim smears some grease on Mark's cheeks] Yeah. Chief Spark Plug! [Grunting] Uhh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! We're gonna need a variety of tools today, so you have to make sure you get all your tools lined up [Tim goes over to the workbench] within easy reach. [Mark goes over to the tools and picks one up]
Mark: What's this one? [Mark shows it to Tim]
Tim: Ohh, yeah! [Tim takes the tool from Mark] That's my Tolan precision engineered torque wrench. See, the gauge there measures pounds per square inch. You use this for all your delicate bolts, like on the engine head, and when you bolt the engine to the chassis there.
Mark: It looks old.
Tim: Oh, it's not old, it's, it's experienced! This is the Yoda of my tool bench, right here! Yeah! It's been in my family almost 20 years. My dad gave it to me, and someday, I'm gonna give it to you. [Tim puts the wrench down]
Mark: Gee, thanks Dad.
Tim: You bet, buddy.
 
Cut to the living room.
[Brad runs in, past Jill. He jumps onto the couch and stabs it with a plastic baseball bat]
 
Brad: Death to the heathen!
Jill: And to all gladiators who jump on my couch! Get off there. [Brad gets off the couch. Randy enters, carrying a large cardboard box]
Randy: Here's my stuff for the rummage sale.
Jill: Oh good, good. [To Brad] Spartacus, did you go through your closet yet? [Brad is sitting on the armchair, watching the TV]
Brad: No, not yet.
Jill: Well, would you please turn off the TV and do that now?
Brad: Mom! This is the bloodiest part!
Jill: Brad, this rummage sale is a fundraiser to get your hockey team new uniforms. Now turn off the TV, now!
Brad: Aw, Mom! [Brad gets up and turns off the TV]
Randy: While Brad was watching television, I filled my box up to the top!
Jill: Thank you Randy. It's nice to know I have one perfect child!
Randy: I do what I can.
Brad: [Imitating Randy] I filled my box up to the top! [Brad slaps Randy. Randy slaps him back and runs after him]
Jill: Hey, hey, stop that! If I hear any fighting, [Jill goes over to the kitchen] it's gonna be liver for dinner!
[Brad and Randy stop on the stairs and scream]
Brad & Randy: Ahhhhhhhhh!
[Jill opens her mouth wide, as if screaming too]
 
Cut to the garage.
[Jill arrives]
 
Mark: Hi Mommy. Look, I'm all greased up!
Jill: Well, how nice for you! I think you missed a spot right here on your nose.
Mark: Did I Mom? [Mark smears grease on his nose]
[Jill goes over to Tim]
Jill: So, this is the, er, slight adjustment to the riding mower you were talking about.
Tim: Slight 150 horsepower adjustment. What d'you think?
[Jill starts looking through the tool drawers]
Jill: Well, with that engine, you won't just be cutting the grass, you'll be sucking it up by the roots! [Jill looks through the drawers beneath the workbench]
Tim: Why do you always come out here and mess up my tools?
Jill: I'm sorry. I'm just looking for the duck tape.
Tim: It's not duck, quack quack, tape, it's duct tape, like heating duct.
Jill: Well, excuse me! Duct Tape! [Tim wipes his face]
Tim: 'Scuse me while I rinse the side of my face off! [Tim gets a towel and wipes his face] It's right over there on the peg board.
Jill: Peg, what's it doing on the peg board? Shouldn't tape be in a drawer? [Jill gets the tape]
Tim: Jill, this is a garage, not fabric world! [Jill smiles at Tim. Tim smiles back] In a shop, tape hangs on a hook because it has a hole in it.
Jill: So's your head, but it's not hanging on a hook!
Tim: Borrow the tape, promise me you'll put it back where it belongs.
Jill: Of course I will, I always do.
Tim: Do you now? [Tim picks up a tool]
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: Recognize this? [Jill looks at it] Spiral ratchet screwdriver. Found it under the sink this morning. What was that all about? [Jill throws the tape into the air, catching it again]
Jill: Well, the ice was all stuck together and I needed something to break it apart. [Tim snatches the duct tape out of the air]
Tim: You were pounding ice with this?
Jill: Yeah. It worked great.
Tim: Jill, this is a precision tool. It's not an ice pick.
Jill: Tim, don't be silly. Give me the tape. [Jill tries to take the tape]
Tim: Oh, no, no, no.
Jill: C'mon.
Tim: No. How would you feel if I attacked your little opera record collection and used Madame Butterfly for a Frisbee?
Jill: You don't touch my records! [Jill sits on the mower]
Tim: Right, because I respect your space. It's your space, your zone. This is my zone, [Tim slaps the workbench] my sacred territory, right here.
Jill: Oh, so, uh, so this tool bench is like your altar?
Tim: This is where I pray to the tool gods. [Tim starts praying] Oh yee ha! oh yee ha!
Jill: Gosh, now I am so moved! I think that I should sing a chorus of Amazing Wrench!
Tim: Don't do this.
[Jill uses an electric ratchet wrench as a microphone]
Jill:
[Singing a parody of "Amazing Grace"] Amazing wrench,
How sweet the sound.
[Jill is starting the ratchet]
[Tim takes the wrench from her, and Jill laughs]
Tim: Do you hear the laughter? [Tim points to his side] Right here? Just, just promise me you'll ask me if you want to borrow a tool.
Jill: O.K., fine. [Jill tries to take the tape]
Tim: I want you to swear it.
Jill: Oh, please!
Tim: C'mon, humor me.
Jill: Tim.
Tim: It'll help me emotionally if you do this! [Jill laughs] C'mon stand up.
Jill: Stand up?
Tim: Stand up. [Jill stands up] Put your, put your right arm up. [Jill is raising her right arm. Tim is putting the duct tape on her arm] Put your left arm on the tool. [Jill looks at Tim]
Jill & Tim: The wrench! [Jill puts her left arm on the wrench]
Tim: Repeat after me: I, Jill.
Jill: I, Jill. [Jill laughs]
Tim: [Tim looks at Jill] I, Jill, swear on this Binford Cordless Ratchet Wrench.
Jill: Swear on this blah-blah-blah-blah wrench.
Tim: Binford Cordless Ratchet Wrench.
Jill: Binford Cordless Ratchet Wrench.
Tim: That I will never touch my husband, Tim Taylor's tool bench ever again.
[Jill shakes her head]
Jill: Ever again!
[Tim walks away. Jill puts her hand on the bench drill]
Jill: Touched it!
Tim: Jill.
Jill: Touched it, touched it, touched it! Ha, ha, ha!
Tim: Can you feel the anger in this room right now? [Jill laughs] You have irritated the tool gods! [Jill mocks fear] You must now be smeared with the holy grease of disdain!
Jill: Tim! Don't you even think about it. [Jill backs away. Tim chases her around the garage] Tim! Tim!
Tim: I'm no longer Tim. I'm Zorfius, the Tool Avenger! [Tim chases Jill into the kitchen. Jill laughs]
[Mark picks up the torque wrench]
Mark: I am Zorfius! Ya ha! [Mark throws the torque wrench into the air but fails to catch it. It hits the floor. Mark goes over to it and picks it up] Oh, no! [Mark picks up another bit of it]
Jill: [Shouts from the kitchen] Mark, honey, come on in here. I have to wash you up for lunch.
[Mark looks around and then hides the torque wrench in the dryer]
Mark: Coming! [Mark goes into the kitchen]
 
Cut to the living room, later that day.
[Mark is playing by the stairs with his truck]
 
Randy: [Shouts from upstairs] Mom!
Jill: [Shouts back] Yeah?
[Randy comes downstairs and goes into the kitchen. Jill is sorting out the laundry]
Randy: Have you seen my sneakers?
Jill: Yes. They're in the trash. [Randy runs over to the trash can and digs around for them]
Randy: You can't throw those away!
Jill: Honey, it wasn't my idea. [Randy pulls out his sneakers] The sneakers begged me! [Jill takes the sneakers from Randy] They did, hey. [Jill holds up a sneaker and shakes it up and down so the sole, which is hanging off at the front, opens and shuts like a mouth. In a strange voice] Please Mrs. Taylor, let us go! We're old, we're tired, we smell! [Jill gives the sneakers back to Randy]
Randy: Mom, these are my favorites. Please?
Jill: O.K. Duct tape them up, then you can have a month to say goodbye to them, and then it's a new pair.
Randy: Thanks Mom!
Jill: O.K. [Randy runs off upstairs again] Mark, honey, I thought you were helping your dad.
Mark: No.
Jill: Well, I know that he really likes it when you help him.
Mark: Maybe later. I'm gonna go play with my truck.
Jill: Oh, O.K. [Mark goes into the backyard, looking sad]
 
Cut to the garage.
[Tim is pulling a sheet off the improved mower. It has most of the engine sticking out the top, and huge handle bars. Tim is admiring it. Tim is putting on a crash helmet and Tim turns the tape recorder on. "Born to be Wild" starts playing on the tape recorder and Tim is putting his black shades on and Tim is climbing onto the improved mower. Tim is pretending that he is riding it like a motorcycle. Jill arrives with the laundry. She laughs and turns off the tape recorder, ending the song abruptly.]
 
Tim: Hey! How!
Jill: So, what d'you do? Join Hell's Gardeners?
Tim: Pretty cool, huh?
Jill: All you need is a tattoo: "Born to Mulch!"
Tim: Yeah! [Tim pretends to rev the mower. Tim climbs off the improved mower] And honey, you know what? You could be my lawn mowing momma! [Tim takes off his helmet]
Jill: Y'know Tim, the only reason [Jill is starting sorting out the laundry] that you're doing all of this is cuz your mother wouldn't let you have a motorcycle.
Tim: She never let me have a dog, you don't see me out here rewiring a cocker spaniel, do you? [Tim looks around] Where'd that go?
Jill: What?
Tim: My torque wrench was right here. You weren't out here this afternoon, were you?
Jill: Why?
Tim: I'm missing my torque wrench!
Jill: I don't even know what a torque wrench is.
Tim: You weren't cracking any ice today, were you? [Tim goes into the kitchen]
Jill: Oh, Tim! You don't crack ice with a wrench, you crack ice with a screwdriver! [Tim comes back into the garage]
Tim: Good Jill. [Tim goes back into the kitchen]
Cut to the kitchen.
Tim: It's gotta be in here some place. [Jill comes to the garage door]
Jill: I swear I have not touched any of your tools since I took the oath this morning. [Jill raises her arm] Always to ask, always to return.
Tim: [Tim looks around] Well, somebody took it and didn't return it. Whoever that somebody is, is gonna be in big, big trouble.
[Mark's head pops up in the backyard, by the window]
 
[Commercial break]
 
Cut to the garage.
[After the commercial break, Jill is pouring out the washing liquid. Tim enters and opens a cardboard box]
 
Tim: What's in this box?
Jill: The wrench is not in there. That's stuff for the rummage sale. There's nothing but junk in there. [Tim pulls out something]
Tim: Junk? This is that swivel-based cook book holder I built you. [Jill comes over to him]
Jill: Is it?!
Tim: I thought you said you lost this.
Jill: Well, I guess you found it.
Tim: Great. [Jill takes it from him. Tim opens another box] Look! Look! [Tim takes something out] It's that hairdryer I rewired for you.
Jill: Ah, honey, I really loved it but it, it, it melted all my hair brushes!
Tim: Don't throw it out. Use it for a space heater or something. [Tim opens another box]
Jill: Tim, Tim, stop it, stop it. C'mon honey. You'll turn the whole house upside down. [Tim kicks the boxes]
Tim: That wrench has gotta be around here some place. [Jill goes back to the washer] Y'know, it just didn't get up and walk away, Jill.
Jill: O.K., you're right. I'm ready to talk. I sneak down here at night, take all your tools, go out to the backyard, put them in a big pile, and dance around them, naked!
Tim: What time would this be? [Jill opens the dryer]
Jill: The time right after you go to sleep! Tim, [Jill pulls out the wrench] do you want this on regular cycle or fluff?
Tim: Alright! [Tim sees that it's broken] Uh, my tool, it's all busted up. The gauge is missing, the dial's all bent. [Tim sits down on the mower] How'd it get in the dryer?
Jill: I'll give you three guesses.
Tim: Y- [Tim realizes she means the boys]
 
Cut to the backyard.
[Brad jumps out of the tree, chased by Randy. Randy has a metal sword and a garbage can lid for a shield. Brad is wearing a plastic helmet and has a baseball bat]
 
Brad: You'll never take me alive!
Randy: Ya!
Brad: Ya! [Brad swings at Randy's shield and Randy pushes him back, into the bushes]
Mark: [From the bushes] Owww!
Randy: Mark, why are you hiding back there? [Mark comes out]
Mark: I'm not hiding. [Brad takes off his helmet]
Brad: Yes you are.
Randy: What d'you do? [Mark looks through the windows]
Mark: You swear you won't tell Mom and Dad? [Randy and Brad come over to him]
Randy: Yeah, we swear, don't we Brad?
Brad: Yeah, we swear!
Randy: So, what d'you do?
Mark: I broke Daddy's torque wrench.
Randy: Phew.
Brad: Uh-oh. [Brad and Randy sit down on a box]
Randy: Whoa, that is bad.
Brad: Real bad.
Randy: [Turns to Brad] He broke a tool. Just like Peter. [Brad nods]
Mark: Who's Peter?
Randy: He's our little brother we used to have before you!
[Mark looks worried. Brad and Randy smile and nod]
Mark: Noooooo!
Randy: He broke Dad's flash light.
Mark: What'd they do with him? [Brad gets up and goes over to Mark]
Brad: Traded him in for you! [Brad walks off]
Mark: They did not! [Randy gets up]
Randy: Well, nice knowing you. [Randy walks off]
Brad: Maybe this time we can get a dog instead!
Tim: [Shouts from inside] Brad! Randy! Mark! Where are you? [Mark runs over to Brad and Randy]
Mark: What am I gonna do?
Randy: Keep hiding! They can't trade you in if they can't find you! [Mark hides in the bushes again. Brad and Randy go inside]
 
Cut to the living room.
[Tim and Jill walk towards the back door. Tim is holding the torque wrench]
 
Jill: Now, don't get crazy. Remember it's just a tool.
Tim: Just a tool! 20 years of my family, just a tool. [Brad and Randy enter]
Brad: You looking for us?
Tim: Yeah, front and center, park it. [Tim points towards the couch. Brad and Randy go over to the couch and sit down. Tim and Jill follow them] We're missing somebody. Where's Mark?
Randy: We haven't seen him. [Randy stretches out] Ah!
Jill: Now boys, your father has something that he wants to talk to you about, calmly. [Tim pauses, trying to calm down]
Tim: Which one of you lug-nuts broke this torque wrench?
Jill: Tim, easy, easy, easy.
Tim: I didn't break it, [Tim points to Jill] you didn't break it, who's left? Butch and Sundance.
Brad: Why're you always blaming us?
Tim: [Imitating Brad] Because we're always guilty, aren't we? [Tim sits down]
Randy: Some people think we're nice.
Tim: Really. Name one.
Randy: Billy's mom thinks we're perfect little gentlemen.
Tim: Billy's mom thought she saw Elvis yesterday at the gas station! [Jill tries not to smile] What d'you know about the broken wrench?
Randy: We think you should ask somebody else. [Randy and Brad smile]
Brad: Yeah, somebody short, and seven.
Tim: Wait, you're saying Mark had something to do with breaking my tool?
Randy: Hey, we don't tattle on some brothers. Who happen to be hiding in the backyard, like a coward.
 
Cut to the backyard.
[Mark climbs up the tree]
 
Wilson: Hey, hey, hey, you're quite the climber there, little neighbor.
Mark: Hi Wilson.
Wilson: You're playing hide and seek?
Mark: Just hide.
Wilson: Alright. Anybody in particular you're hiding from?
Mark: My dad. [Tim enters]
Tim: Mark! Mark!
Mark: [To Wilson] Promise you won't tell him I'm here?
Wilson: Scout's honor. [Wilson makes the scout sign]
Tim: Mark, where are you? [Tim comes over to the fence] Hi Wilson. I'm looking for Mark. Have you seen him?
Wilson: Well, as the old saying goes, Tim, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.
Tim: Right Wilson, I'm looking for my son.
Wilson: What I'm trying to say, Tim, is sometimes to get what you want, you have to go out on a limb.
Tim: I don't have time for this, Wilson. I'm looking for my boy.
Wilson: [Whispering] He didn't want me to tell you.
Tim: [Whispering] What?
Wilson: [Whispering] He's up in the tree.
Tim: [Whispering] Oh.
Wilson: [Whispering] Tim, I think he's pretty unhappy.
[Short pause]
Tim: Well Wilson, if you haven't seen him, you haven't seen him. Thanks.
Wilson: Don't mention it, good neighbor.
Tim: Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. Sure gonna miss him. Probably ran away. Boy, he was the best darn assistant a dad could ever have. [Tim sits down on the end of the slide. Tim leans back but he slides down so he sits up again] I don't think I can finish that mower without him. I don't think I'll be able to rewire anything ever again. Boy, could that kid grunt. No matter where you are Mark, this one's for you: [Grunts] Uhhuhhh!
Mark: [Grunts] Uhh!
Tim: The tree just grunted at me!
Mark: No it didn't.
Tim: Yes it did. I heard it.
Mark: No Daddy. It's me. [Mark climbs down to the platform part way up the tree]
Tim: Mark, what're you doing up in the tree?
Mark: I did something bad.
Tim: You broke my tool, didn't you Mark?
Mark: It jumped right out of my hand!
Tim: It shouldn't have been in your hand, alright?
Mark: I was just playing.
Tim: We've been through this before. My tools are not your toys.
Mark: I'm sorry I broke your tool. It was an accident.
Tim: Accidents happen. Its' not the end of the world. But when you break something of somebody else's, you've gotta tell them.
Mark: Please don't trade me away like you did Peter!
[Tim is confused]
Tim Peter?
Mark: The son you traded in for me!
[Tim is still confused]
Tim: What are you talking about?
Mark: The one who broke your flash light. Don't you even remember him?
Tim: [Thinks about this] Where do you get ide- hu-huh, let me guess. [Tim gets up and sees Brad and Randy watching through the window] Brad! Randy! [Brad and Randy run off]
Brad: [From inside] Book it! [Tim comes back to Mark]
Tim: Mark, you wanna listen to this good. I would never trade you for anything.
Mark: Really?
Tim: Really. C'mon here. [Tim lifts Mark down and hugs him]
Mark: You know that tape measure that you could never find?
Tim: Go ahead, tell me. You lost it.
Mark: No, Brad and Randy broke it!
Tim: Good to have you back, son.
[Tim carries Mark inside]
 
Cut to the living room, later that day.
[Jill is sitting on the couch, reading. Tim enters, wearing his crash helmet and gloves]
Tim: Honey, the moment we've been waiting for has finally arrived.
Jill: Tim, y'know, it's October. You really don't have to cut the grass now.
Tim: Honey, I'm not cutting the grass. I'm just taking the Taylor's 1600 cc lawn chop rod out for a test run!
Jill: Honey, couldn't we just call your mother and ask if it's O.K. if you have a motorcycle?
Tim: Jill, don't worry. Got a helmet, seat belt, what could happen? [Tim opens the back door, banging his helmet with it]
 
Cut to the backyard.
[Mark is sitting on the mower. Brad and Randy are standing by it. Tim enters. Mark gets down]
 
Randy: C'mon Dad!
Brad: Hurry up!
Tim: Alright boys, [Tim gets onto the mower. Jill comes outside] prepare yourselves for a new age in lawn maintenance. [Jill sits down on a box] I think we all remember, it used to take [Tim puts on his black shades] Dad hour, hour-twenty to do the lawn. This bad boy, minute-five! I'll cut this thing so fast, it'll be afraid to grow! [Jill gets up and comes over]
Jill: Honey, did you put hub caps on the lawn mower? [Mark kicks one]
Tim: [Grunting] Yeah!
Jill: Why did you do that?
Tim: [Grunting] I don't know.
Randy: Start the engine, Dad!
Brad: Yeah, pop the wheel!
Brad, Randy & Mark: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Brad: Fire her up!
Tim: Stand back! I think this monster mower machine is ready to come to life!
Jill: Alright boys, inside.
Brad, Randy & Mark: Awww! Boo! Boo!
Tim: Hey! Hey! [Jill pushes them inside]
Jill: Brad, c'mon! Go! Go! Go!
Brad: Aw, Mom!
Tim: You can't watch from the pit area!
Jill: Yeah, yeah. [They go inside. The boys line up behind the window. Jill stands behind them]
Tim: Gentlemen, start your engines! [Tim starts the mower and revs the engine. Grunting] Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Brad, Randy & Mark: [From inside, grunting] Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Tim: Forward, mow! [The mower shoots backwards!]
[There is a crash and smoke]
Tim: I-I'm alright! [Jill and the boys come outside]
 
CREDITS
 
[Cut to unused "Tool Time" scene. Tim and Al are standing by the bench]
 
Tim: Well Al, now that we have the fitting in place between the two sections of pipe, what's the next step?
Al: Well Tim, we'll be sweating the pipe.
Tim: Will we?
Al: That's right.
[They have a copper pipe with two angle joints in it]
Tim: So, a little deodorant right there in the elbow? [Al looks at Tim]
Al: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: We do need heat for this project, and for that we use [Al prepares the joint] the Binford Burnblaster 2000 propane torch. Do you want to grab the torch, Al?
Al: Coming right up, Tim. [Al starts looking for the torch]
[Caption appears on-screen reading: "What Al doesn't know is Tim has hidden the torch from him to make an important point"]
Tim: Torch please, Al. [Al starts looking around the set]
Al: I, er, give me a second, Tim. [Al goes back stage]
Tim: Al, we're on the air, Al. We need that torch.
Al: I'm looking! I'm looking!
Tim: Al, this is a critical part of the show. Thousands of viewers are waiting to see that thing. [Al comes back on]
Al: I'm trying, damn it! I-I'm only human!
Tim: Ho, relax. C'mon Al. [Tim gets the torch from where he hid it] Oh look, it's right over here. Folks, this was a demonstration. Don't, don't try this at home. I, I hid the torch from Al. [Al looks at Tim] Huh.
Al: You what? [Al takes the torch]
Tim: Wu-well, I did, y'know, I didn't mean to panic --
Al: -- you hid the torch.
Tim: To make a point.
Al: And what point would that be, Tim?
Tim: We, you should always know where your tools are. Because otherwise, you could get pretty irritated, like you seem to do. Go ahead, light the torch Al. [Al lights the torch. Tim looks uncomfortable]

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