- Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
- Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
- Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
- Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
- Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
- Wilson - Earl Hindman
- Al Borland - Richard Karn
- Sir Larry Houdini - Eric Christmas
- Rick - John Marshall Jones
- Alice - Deborah Lacey
- Franco - Rudolph Willrich
Episode begins in the living room. There is a football game on the TV. Tim is walking around the room, holding a football and using a small sieve as a microphone, commentating.
Tim: Welcome to the Taylor house, and we're about ready to start that second half of this fantastic game, Greenbay Packers, Minnesota Vikings. [Grunts] Uh-uh-uh. [Tim passes the football to Randy, who is sitting on the armchair] Before we go down to the field, let's check out that snack situation. Mark, take it away. [Tim hands the sieve to Mark, who is sitting on the couch, and then sits down next to him. Mark turns to the table next to the couch]
Mark: Pretzels, liquorice, pork rinds.
Tim: Yeah! [Mark tosses the sieve back to Tim] That's three major food groups right there: salt, sugar. lard! [Tim stands up and goes over to the table] Alright. Today I've got cold bruskies for me, ice cold root bruskies for my boys. [Tim throws a can to Randy. Brad is in the kitchen with a bag of potato chips]
Brad: Here's the chips. [Brad throws the bag to Tim like a football]
Tim: You got it, buddy.
Brad: Go long.
Tim: Nice pass, kid! [Jill enters from the garage with the laundry] Alright. [Brad runs over the back of the couch and jumps into his seat. Tim struggles to open the chip packet]
Randy: You're turning all red.
Tim: Uh! [Tim rips the bag apart, spraying chips everywhere. Jill looks at Tim] Ha-ha-ha-ha... Haa-haa-ha. There's a warning label right there, ["Reading" from the bag] "You shouldn't open these in broad daylight in Detroit. Could cause an explosion." Hah. Hah.
Jill: Wowww, look at this warning label, [Jill "reads" some socks and throws them at Tim] "Socks may strike husband, unexpectantly!"
Tim: You could put an eye out like that. Boys, help me clean this mess up. Second half's about ready to begin here. Hurry up! [The boys get out of their seats to help clean up. Tim jogs over to the broom cupboard]
Jill: Now listen, don't get too involved in that Tim. We have to get ready to go soon. [Randy goes over to Tim]
Tim: Go? Where are we going? [Tim hands Randy some cleaning stuff]
Jill: Dinner, tonight, Chez Pierre?
Tim: That can't be tonight.
Jill: It most certainly is.
Tim: Well, what about the big game?
Jill: Well, what have you been watching all this time?
Tim: This is the little game. Right before the big game. [Jill starts setting the table] The big game's the Rams and the Lions. Why didn't you remind me about dinner?
Jill: Now don't pull that. I asked you yesterday if you had reconfirmed the reservations, and you said, "Uh-huh." And then I said were they for seven o'clock, and you said, "Uh-huh." And then I said did you get the babysitter, and you said, "Uh-huh." So I guess that means you didn't get the babysitter, huh?
Tim: I completely forgot. We can't get a babysitter at this late hour. This is a tremendous disappointment. [Tim sits at the counter]
Jill: Yeah, I'll bet it is. This was supposed to be our romantic night out.
Tim: Hey, romance: I got it. Why don't you and I go upstairs, turn the lights down, sit in bed, bottle of wine, and we can watch the game up there!
Jill: Well, you're not getting out of this with anything short of pneumonia. [Tim starts fake coughing. Jill picks up the phone]
Tim: Boy, it's funny you mention that. [Jill dials a number] This morning, I hawked up something nasty-looking. Pshh - shot right out of my lungs.
Jill: Well suck it back in. We're going to dinner!
Cut to the living room, that evening.
[Tim and Jill enter, dressed up. The boys admire them]
Jill: Whoa! [Mark wolf whistles]
Brad: You don't whistle at guys, you dufus.
Jill: You can when they looks as handsome as your daddy. [Tim points the remote at the TV. The boys sit round the table]
Tim: You look pretty good yourself, sweetheart. [Tim and Jill kiss]
Brad, Randy & Mark: Urgh! Uh-uh-urgh-urgh!
Tim: Put a lid on it.
Randy: Who'd you get to babysit for us? Linda?
Jill: No, she finds you boys a little... active.
Randy: Good. She smells.
Brad: [Hopefully] Did you get Alison?
Jill: No honey, she's busy. But she sends her love. [Randy kisses at Brad. Brad attacks Randy] Stop that. Sit, sit. [Brad sits down again]
Brad: Then who'd you get?
Jill: Well, I, I found someone new. [The doorbell rings]
Tim: [Tim is watching the game on TV, engrossed] Go! Go! Go!
Tim: [Without turning from the TV] Go get the door!
[Jill goes towards the door]
Jill: Please turn off the television. [Jill opens the door. Sir Larry is standing there]
Sir Larry: Mrs. Taylor?
Sir Larry: Sir Larry Houdini, world's second greatest escape artist [Sir Larry is wearing coat and tails] and magician extraordinaire! [Sir Larry produces a bunch of flowers from his sleeve and hands them to Jill]
Randy: Hey, you're great! I saw you at Chris Johnson's birthday party. [Sir Larry enters and Jill closes the door]
Sir Larry: Oh, lovely little girl.
Randy: Chris is a boy.
Sir Larry: Strange little boy. [Sir Larry looks around] But tell me, where are the birthday balloons, funny party hats, the pony ride?
Jill: Well, um, actually, no-one here is having a birthday.
Sir Larry: You told me on the phone it was a birthday.
Jill: Yeah, I know. I lied. [Jill takes Sir Larry to one side] I'm so sorry. I was desperate. My husband didn't get a babysitter and I called everybody I knew, and, and everybody was busy, and. Couldn't you just, please, stay?
Sir Larry: Never! Never! Sir Larry has performed prestidigitation before prime ministers, heads of state, two kings, and a cranky duke. And never once has he stooped to babysitting to make ends meet. [Jill hands him some money. Singing]
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday "your names here,"
Happy birthday to you.
Jill: Thank you so much. You don't know what this means to me.
Sir Larry: Well boys, the performance is about to start. So would you please help Sir Larry in with his magical trunk. [The boys go towards the front door. Tim comes over to Jill]
Tim: Er, Jill, hold on a minute. What's going on here?
Jill: Um, Sir Larry, this is my husband Tim. Tim, this is Sir Larry, the babysitter.
Tim: How're you doing?
Sir Larry: And magician extraordinaire. [The boys wheels in Sir Larry's trunk]
Tim: Yeah, I'll bet you are, Larry. [Tim follows Jill into the kitchen] Ah, Jill. You got a magician to babysit my boys? [Jill gets Tim's and her coats. Jill looks at Tim] Perfect, perfect.
Jill: Sir Larry! Ah, the number where we are at the restaurant is right here. [Jill pats the counter by the phone] Call us if you have any problems.
[There is a cheer from the TV]
Brad: Whoa! [Brad jumps onto the couch]
Tim: What happened, Brad? What happened?
Brad: Lions just recovered a fumble!
Jill: O.K., goodbye boys, goodbye Sir Larry. Let's go Tim.
Tim: We should stay and watch a trick.
Jill: It's not gonna work Tim. Let's go.
Tim: Oh, my wallet. Left it over there by the TV. [Tim starts towards the TV]
Jill: I've got credit cards. [Tim comes back over to Jill]
Tim: Do you. My medicine's up by the TV upstairs. [Tim starts towards the stairs]
Jill: You don't take medicine. [Tim comes back over to Jill and follows her into the garage]
Tim: Oh! I should take some. I'm feeling a hawker coming on.
Cut to the restaurant, a little later that evening.
[Tim and Jill are sitting at their table]
Jill: This is so romantic. And you have to admit, it's a beautiful place.
Tim: A beautiful place for a beautiful woman.
Jill: Awww. Thank you sweetie. [Tim and Jill toast their glasses] I really, really do appreciate this. I know it was hard for you to leave that game.
Tim: Game? What game?
Jill: [To the waiter, Franco] Excuse me sir, um, can you tell me where the ladies room is?
Franco: Hm, down the hall, to the left.
Jill: I'll be right back. [Tim and Jill stand up]
Tim: I'll be right here, Jill, [Jill goes to the ladies room] right here. I'll be right here. [Tim takes a radio out of his pocket and takes off his jacket. To the man at the table next to him] Could you give me a hand with this thing?
Rick: Is that a radio?
Rick: You got the game on?
Tim: Got the game on. [Rick gets up and gives Tim a hand with the earpiece wire, which is taped to his back] I want to get that second quarter before she gets back from the bathroom.
Rick: Aw man. [Rick helps Tim put his jacket back on] This is absolutely brilliant. [Tim sits down]
Tim: Thanks bud. [Tim sticks the earpiece in his ear]
Rick: So what's happening?
Tim: Hold on a minute. [Tim listens to the radio] Here we go. Yes!
Rick: What? What? What?
Tim: I dunno. Some kind of interception. They're inside six, first in goal.
Rick: Alright! What's the score?
Tim: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Rodney's in motion.
Rick: Uh-huh. [Rick sits down at his table]
Tim: Rodney peats back, he's back, [Jill returns] Jill's back! [Tim raises his arm at Jill to hide the earpiece] Hi Jill. [Tim stands up]
Jill: Did you miss me? [Tim helps Jill into her chair, with his shoulder pressed against his ear]
Tim: Sure I missed you. [Jill sees the funny way Tim is standing]
Jill: Are you O.K?
Tim: Oh, yeah. You ever twist your neck real fast, get one of those cricks? [Tim sits down] Oh, I got that.
Jill: Do you want me to rub it? [Jill and Tim look at each other]
Jill & Tim: Your/my neck.
[Tim rests his head on his hand]
Tim: No, if I put my hand like this, it, phoo, it feels much better now.
Jill: O.K. [Tim and Jill look at the menu] Oooh, look at this. Endive soufflé prepared with mushrooms.
Tim: [Excited] YES! [Jill looks at Tim] Mushrooms! Hmm!
Jill: [Laughing] Tim, you don't like mushrooms.
Tim: At home no, but here, y'know, pfff, they're in oils and stuff, yeah.
Jill: Oh, look, look, they have your favorite: trout almandy.
Tim: [Excited] ALRIGHT! [Jill looks at Tim]
[Rick's partner, Alice, has returned]
Rick: What happened?
Tim: [Loudly] I'm having the trout! [Jill sits back in her chair]
Jill: Tim, would you like to tell me what's going on? Why you're, er, sitting like that?
Tim: My neck.
Jill: Well, perhaps I should look at it. [Jill gets up]
Tim: No! no. From the naked eye [Jill sits down again] it would look like any other neck.
Tim: And, it's a, cricks are generally inside necks.
Jill: Give me your hand. [Tim hands Jill his other hand]
Tim: Hey, look at that.
Jill: Give me your other hand.
Tim: I don't want to. [Tim takes his hand away from his ear and Jill sees the earpiece]
Jill: Oh Tim, give me the radio. [Tim gives her the radio]
Tim: I wasn't gonna listen to the whole thing [Jill sighs] Would it help if I said I was sorry?
Jill: It might.
Tim: I'm sorry.
Jill: It didn't. Is this the volume? [Jill turns up the volume]
Tim: Ahhhh! [Tim removes the earpiece]
Cut to the living room.
[Sir Larry is wearing a straitjacket. Brad and Randy are wrapping chains around him. Mark is sitting on the counter, watching]
Sir Larry: So that's it boys. Nice and tight. Sir Larry loves a challenge.
Randy: This is too cool!
Sir Larry: Oh, thank you my lad. [Brad and Randy finish with the chains]
Brad: Do we get to stick swords in the box?
Sir Larry: Sword in the box. Fantastic illusion. Sends the mind reeling and the pulse racing. I don't do it.
Mark: Why not? [Mark is playing with Sir Larry's top hat]
Sir Larry: Too easy. Now then my lad, will you kindly assist me into the trunk. [Brad helps him in] Thank you. Now, you will close the trunk and lock it. When I give the command, you will set the timer at 10 seconds. And when the timer goes off, I shall appear at the front door.
Randy: I don't know. 10 seconds isn't very long.
Sir Larry: To you. But to Sir Larry, 10 seconds is an eternity! Now boys, prepare to be astonished! [Sir Larry kneels down in the trunk. Theatrically] Close the lid! [Sir Larry crouches down. Brad and Randy close the lid and lock the trunk. Randy taps the top of the trunk] Is the trunk securely locked?
Brad: Yes it is.
Sir Larry: Then set the timer and stand back. [Brad sets the timer and the boys stand back. Sir Larry struggles inside the trunk] Ah. Uh. Ah. Ah. Uh. Ah. Ah. [After 10 seconds, the timer pings and there is a flash and a puff of smoke]
[The boys rush to the front door and open it. There is no-one there]
Randy: Sir Larry!
Sir Larry: [From inside the trunk] Boys! [The boys turn to look at the trunk] Reset the timer!
Cut to the restaurant, a little later.
Jill: You know what you are, Tim? You are a sports addict.
Tim: I am not. I like sports. I have a very healthy interest, but I am not an addict. [There are shouts and cheers from the kitchen. Franco walks past Tim. Tim stops him] Is that the Lions game on in there?
Franco: Yes, that's why service is a little slow. The staff have a television in the kitchen. [Franco starts to leave but both Tim and Rick get out of their chairs and stop him]
Tim: D'you get a score? [Tim sits down again]
Rick: What's the score?
Franco: I, I'm not sure. I, I know the Lions intercepted a pass on the Rams 20? [Tim and Rick celebrate]
Tim & Rick: Yes!
Rick: I bet it was Spielman.
Tim: Oh, Chris Spielman. Awesome player. Last week, see him against Minnesota? [Rick sits down]
Rick: See him? Man, I was there. [There are more shouts from the kitchen. Rick stands up] I can't take it, I can't take it. I've got to see this game. Honey, I'm sorry. [Rick takes his food] I'll be back. [Rick rushes into the kitchen. Tim follows him but comes back again]
Tim: Heh-hey, whoo. That guy's got a problem! Heh, heh, heh, that guy is addicted to sports. [Tim sits down with Jill again] He is out of control.
Jill: [Laughing] And you're not?
Tim: No. No, no. We're here to talk about whatever you want to talk about, that's.
Jill: Well that's good because I wanna talk about us.
Jill: Y'know how we're always talking about how we need to find more things that we can do together for fun.
Jill: We always talk about it but we never do anything about it.
Tim: Let's do something about it.
Tim: Next weekend, monster truck rally and tractor pull.
Jill: Well, gee, as much fun as that sounds, I was really thinking more along the lines of... ballroom dancing.
Tim: Yeah-heh. Boy, that was my second choice.
Jill: No, no, really. I'm serious. I think it would really be fun to take dancing lessons.
Tim: Me, the king, remember, college? [Tim starts disco dancing]
Jill: Yeah. Tim, disco didn't die; you killed it. No, I'm talking about grown-up dancing; Fred and Ginger...
Tim: I thought Fred married Wilma.
Jill: No, [Laughing] you know what I mean. Y'know, holding each other close, swaying to the music, gliding across the floor. [Tim stops disco dancing]
Tim: Glidng in public's not me.
Jill: We could take private lessons, just you and me.
Tim: No-- [Shouts from the kitchen. Rick pokes his head round the door]
Tim: Uh-oh. [Rick comes over to Tim]
Rick: Come here, you've got to see this. Santas just broke one from 50 yards around the right side. They tackled him on the one, we're gonna score. It's a first down. [Rick turns to Alice] Happy anniversary baby! [Rick runs back into the kitchen. Tim turns to look, and then looks at Jill, hopefully]
Tim: Ha-ha. [Tim is itching to leave his seat]
Jill: Honey, would you like to go and watch the game?
Tim: No. No. We were taling about... er...
Tim & Jill: -room dancing.
Tim: That's what. [There are more shouts from the kitchen. Tim turns to look]
Jill: So anyway, the lessons are on Tuesday nights.
Jill: And, uh, it doesn't really cost very much.
Tim: Oh. [There are more shouts from the kitchen. Tim turns to look]
Jill: And, ah, I've been having an affair with a space alien.
Jill: Yep, um, I'm having his baby.
Rick: [Rick presses his face against the window in the door to the kitchen] Goal! Goal! Touchdooown!
[Tim turns to look at Jill, hopefully]
Jill: Honey, go.
Tim: I'm fine, I don't have to see the game.
Jill: No, trust me. It's okay I reallllly want you to go.
Tim: Thank you! [Tim goes into the kitchen]
Cut to the living room.
[Brad, Randy and Mark are bending over the trunk, trying to open it with a hand drill. The phone rings and Mark answers it]
Mark: Hello?... Hi Mommy, guess what happened. Sir Larry--
Randy: --Mark! [Randy grabs the phone from Mark] Don't tell her, stupid.
Mark: Why? We didn't do anything.
Randy: The guy's locked in a box; who d'you think she's gonna blame? [Randy jumps up onto the trunk]
Sir Larry: Uhh! [Randy talks to the phone]
Randy: Hi Mom... yeah, we're fine... oh yeah. He's excellent. A lot of fun... yeah, good tricks too... um, now? Well, um, he, he can't talk right now. [Brad starts gesturing at Randy] Um, he just can't. [Randy covers the phone. To Brad] She wants to talk to Mark.
Brad: That's because she knows he'll squeal.
Mark: I won't squeal. I promise. [Randy gives Mark the phone] Hello Mommy. Brad and Randy locked Sir Larry in the trunk! [Mark hangs up the phone. Brad and Randy chase him round the house]
Cut to the backyard, a little later.
[There is a rope tied round the trunk. Brad and Randy are trying to hoist it up the tree. One end is lifted slightly off the ground]
Brad: Uhh! [Brad and Randy release the rope and the trunk drops down again]
Sir Larry: Uhh! Boys!
Randy: It's O.K. Sir Larry. If we get the trunk high enough and drop it, it'll break open.
Sir Larry: Please, let's not be hasty, boys.
Mark: Mom and Dad are home.
Randy: We're dead! Hide. [Brad and Randy hide in the bushes]
Cut to the living room.
[Tim and Jill enter from the garage]
Jill: Randy! Mark! Brad!
Mark: [From outside] Out here!
Cut to the backyard.
[Mark is sitting on the trunk. Jill and Tim enter]
Jill: Mark, where is Mr. Houdini? [Mark kicks the trunk] Ohh.
Mark: In here.
Jill: [To the trunk] Are you alright, Mr. Houdini? [Jill taps the trunk]
Sir Larry: I'm fine. The X-rays may reveal otherwise, however. [Tim examines the rope]
Tim: Mark, where are your brothers?
Mark: I don't know, Dad. [Whispering] In the bushes!
Jill: Here. [Mark gets off the trunk]
Tim: Brad, Randy, come on out. [Brad and Randy come out from the bushes] C'mon. C'mom right now. I don't know what gets into you guys sometimes. Why'd you stuff that old man in that trunk for?
Randy: He told us to.
Tim: Now why'd he want to be put in a trunk?
Randy: But he did tell us to.
Tim: No he didn't.
Brad: Yeah he did, it's the truth.
Tim: He's not-- [There is a knocking from the trunk]
Sir Larry: The boys are speaking the truth. They are completely innocent.
Jill: Well, we'll talk about this in the morning. It's bedtime now.
Randy: I want to see if he gets out.
Jill: No, no, no, no. [Jill sends the boys inside. Tim examines the trunk] I'll be up there later. Go on.
Brad & Randy: Awww. [The boys leave]
Tim: Honey, we're in some kind of trouble. These are reinforced polycarbonate American butt hinges.
Jill: Sir Larry, is there anything that we can do, someone we can call?
Sir Larry: Yes, you can call my son Cyril the Magnificent. He has an extra set of keys, and he's at 555-7653.
Jill: Alright. I'll call right away. [Jill goes inside]
Tim: Hang in there Sir Larry. Just take real short little breaths. [There is a strange noise] Wilson?
[Wilson stands up and appears behind the fence]
Wilson: Howdy neighbor.
Tim: What're you doing over there?
Wilson: Oh, just mending the bellows on my accordion.
Wilson: What's in the trunk?
Tim: Famous magician.
Wilson: Oh, was he coming out of the box?
Tim: As soon as his son comes over and unlocks it.
Wilson: Not much of a trick, Tim.
Tim: You got a minute?
Wilson: Sure, good buddy. You got a problem?
Tim: Well, it's Jill. [Tim turns to look through the window at Jill, who is on the phone] I love her. She's the most important thing in my life.
Wilson: What did you do this time, Tim?
Tim: We went out tonight to have a night just by ourselves, real romantic, that kind of stuff. And I spoiled it because of a football game. We won, huh!
Wilson: Hm-hmm, hm-hmm, hm-hmm.
Tim: I don't know what it is about football and me. I'm obsessed, I think.
Wilson: Well, why do you think that is, Tim?
Tim: I think it's coz I love it, Wilson. I love the surprise, and the strategy, and the strength, [Tim picks up a football] and the big guys, and the logos, the colorful helmets, the shine and the pads, and the mouth-guards, and the cleats, and the hitting and impacts, and the swearing and sweating. [Grunts] Arh-arh-arh-arh-arh! Sets me free!
Wilson: Well, what you're describing, Tim, is what Aristotle would call a catharsis.
Tim: Catharsis, hm? How d'you spell that? C-
Wilson: Well, let's just say an emotional release, Tim.
Tim: That's, that's what I feel, and I don't think she understands that.
Wilson: Well, she doesn't have to, Tim. I'm sure there are things about her that you don't understand.
Tim: Well, you got that right. Y'know, that woman has never had a haircut she liked.
Wilson: Well, there you go.
Tim: And I go in her closet, I see nineteen pairs of black shoes. What's that all about?
Wilson: Well, Tim, different outfits require different shoes. You got your pumps, your flats, your espadrilles, your open toes, your T-straps, your patent leather. I could go on and on.
Tim: I get the feeling you could.
Wilson: What is important is to share and enjoy the things you both do understand.
Tim: That's exactly what she was talking about, too. Sharing, she wanted to share... ballroom dancing.
Wilson: Well, why don't you give it a try, Tim?
Wilson: --as the ancient Celtic saying goes, "Never give a sword to a man who can't dance."
Tim: [Grunts] Uhh?
[Jill comes outside]
Jill: Sir Larry?
Sir Larry: [From inside the trunk] Still in here.
Jill: Yes, um, Cyril is on his way over with the keys.
Sir Larry: Oh, thank you kind madam.
[Jill goes over to Tim, who is sitting on a box]
Tim: 'Bout tonight, Jill. I know I was stupid. I know I spolied things. And I want to apologize, and I, I, I, I won't watch all-day football anymore.
Jill: What about Thanksgiving and New Year's?
Tim: Aah, half-day. Or I, I'll cut out the pre-game show or something. I'll just try not to be so stupid about it.
Jill: You'd do that for me?
Tim: In a second. [Tim stands up and goes over to Jill]
Jill: Well, we can always try and do it again. Go out some evening, have some romance.
Tim: Well, we're here, we're alone, the moon's full. It's pretty romantic. What more d'you need?
[Wilson starts playing his accordion. Tim and Jill turn to look, and then laugh. Tim holds out his hand to Jill, to dance]
Tim: Hi! [Tim starts disco dancing]
Jill: No. [Jill slaps Tim and he stops]
Sir Larry: [Singing]
I'll be loving you,
With the love that's true,
Always. [Tim and Jill dance together]
When the things you planned,
Need a helping hand,
I will understand,
Fate may not be fair,
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio, later.
[Tim and Al are preparing a cut a hole for a kitchen sink out of a worktop]
Tim: Once you have cut the opening, you're ready to lay the sink right in there, right Al?
Al: Errr, that's right Tim.
Tim: You know, home improvement is not just about renovating the kitchen. There's a lot of other ways to improve your home. [Al tries to pick up the sink. It's very heavy so he squats down and drags, on his knees, it over to Tim] Alllways be aware of your partner's needs, take time out to share some special time with your spouse. Right Al?
Al: I'm not married, Tim.
Tim: Well, if you change those shirts. And get a haircut or something.
Al: I got a haircut.
Tim: Get a better one, Al. [Tim and Al are holding the sink over the opening, Tim on one side and Al on the other]
Tim: Alright. We'll drop it on three, Al.
Al: On three. One, two-- [Al drops it on two. Tim gets his fingers caught under the sink]
Tim: Ow! Ow! Al!
[Tim and Jill continue to dance to Wilson's accordion playing]